Life without family support while raising three boys under four proved overwhelming for Love. “Life here without the presence of family was an immensely challenging experience,” she recalls, juggling breastfeeding, navigating a new state, and confronting a depression diagnosis. “Alongside breastfeeding, navigating a new state, and adapting to the role of a mother to three, I was informed that ‘I am depressed.'”
Daily life became increasingly difficult. “There were moments when I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes and rise from bed. Household responsibilities often fell by the wayside, and the house would be in disarray, a testament to the chaos created by the boys.” The strain affected both parents deeply, as her husband returned exhausted from work to a messy house and demanding family life.
Their relationship suffered under the pressure. “The demands of caring for three young children without the assistance and support of family took a toll on both our lives and our relationship,” Love shares. Seeking escape, her husband began job hunting, eventually securing an interview in Alabama that sparked excitement for both of them.
The relocation process exposed Love’s fragile emotional state. “I carried a heavy burden with weighted emotions and found myself easily irritated by every little thing and everyone involved in the moving process,” she recalls. Most painfully, she found herself mirroring her parents’ behaviors: “The worst moments were when I lashed out at my three young boys the way I had unconsciously adopted from my father, mother, and schoolteachers.”
This behavior brought intense guilt. “I was so helpless and sad to see their tearful eyes and their sad cries. They expressed and reminded me of the pain I had once endured when I was about their age.” The promise to be a different kind of mother seemed increasingly unreachable, leading to “countless sleepless nights with guilt and tears that always ended in self blaming.”
Desperate for relief, Love tried the prescribed antidepressants. “One morning, I took a pill as directed. Initially, I felt no immediate change, and the heaviness remained. However, slowly, I started to notice a subtle shift.” The experience proved unsettling: “A sensation of lightness emerged, accompanied by a sense of emptiness, as though the part of me inside was being taken away from me.” This disconnection from herself led her to discard the medication.
Research into depression brought surprising insights. “As I read through the symptoms, I was taken aback by the realization that every criterion matched my experiences, starting from my childhood.” Yet this Western diagnosis conflicted with her cultural understanding: “I had never read or heard about ‘depression’ in my life before I came to this country. I thought it must be the name created by the medical field to identify and communicate the symptoms or conditions of human evolution in Western medical culture.”
Love’s upbringing emphasized natural healing. “Drawing from my upbringing and the wisdom of ancient Chinese culture, I remembered my parents emphasizing the body’s innate ability to heal itself and the significance of nourishing it with proper nature food to balance the mind, body, and soul.” She recalled her mother’s traditional remedies, like treating fever by inducing sweat, and her own resilience working the dumpling business without getting sick.
Exercise emerged as a potential solution, reminiscent of her success in running four miles daily and quitting smoking. “This realization kindled a spark of hope within me. It was like stumbling upon a lost key that could unlock a door.” However, motherhood complicated this approach: “The landscape had changed; I was no longer single but responsible for three young children. How could I find the time to run or engage in regular exercise?”
The journey led LoveAmy to question modern medicine’s approach to mental health. As she notes, “Medication doesn’t cure the mind, the heart, and the soul; meditation does. When the mind, the heart, and the soul are healed, a healthy body is born.” Her experience highlights the complex intersection of cultural healing traditions and modern medical approaches to mental health.
Discover more stories of healing and cultural wisdom in “Grow in the Dark” by Amy Love. Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google, iTunes & Kobo.
