For many young people, the world feels increasingly out of control. Between academic pressure, social comparison, family struggles, and the constant hum of online chaos, it’s no surprise that some teenagers and young adults turn inward in search of something—anything—they can manage on their own terms. For too many, that search leads to self-harm.
Self-harm is often misunderstood. It’s commonly believed to be a bid for attention or a sign of suicidal ideation. While it can coexist with suicidal thoughts, self-harm is more often a coping mechanism—one rooted in an overwhelming need for control. For young people who feel unheard, unseen, or emotionally overwhelmed, harming themselves can offer a twisted kind of relief. It’s not about vanity or drama. It’s about finding a release valve when everything else feels tightly sealed.
“It’s always so devastating when I hear of a young person harming themselves. To see how many of them carry pain they don’t feel safe expressing,” says Linsey Lunny, CEO of Hidden Strength.
Control is a central theme in the psychology of self-harm. When someone feels powerless in their relationships, environment, or even their emotions, causing physical pain can provide a sense of regulation. It may allow them to externalize internal chaos or feel something tangible in moments of emotional numbness. In this context, the act isn’t about self-destruction—it’s about trying to survive.
Lunny continues to say, “Self-harm surpasses some superficial grasp at attention; it’s often about control, release, or just trying to feel something when everything else feels numb. It becomes a way to cope with emotions they don’t have the tools to process.”
The reasons a young person may begin to self-harm are complex and personal. Some are processing trauma or neglect. Others are battling anxiety, depression, or self-loathing. Many don’t even fully understand why they’re doing it—they just know it helps, in the moment, to silence what hurts. What makes self-harm particularly insidious is how easily it can be hidden. It thrives in secrecy, often going unnoticed for months or even years.
Lunny believes there are signs that parents, teachers, and peers can watch for: “It can look like wearing long sleeves even in the heat, sudden withdrawal from friends, or unexplained injuries. We need to stop assuming ‘they’re just being dramatic’ and start asking, ‘Are you okay?’ Because sometimes, asking that one question can save a life.”
If a young person seems especially hard on themselves, frequently talks about being a burden, or has trouble expressing emotions, these too may be clues that something deeper is going on.
One of the greatest barriers to addressing self-harm is the shame that surrounds it. When young people are met with panic, punishment, or judgment, they retreat further into silence. What they need is compassion, not condemnation. Conversations about self-harm should be grounded in empathy and curiosity, not fear. Asking open-ended questions like, “How have you been coping lately?” or “Is there anything you’re struggling with that you haven’t shared?” can open the door to trust.
It’s also critical to remember that self-harm doesn’t always look the way people expect. It isn’t limited to cutting—it can include scratching, burning, hitting, or other forms of self-injury. Sometimes, it shows up in disordered eating, substance use, or risky behaviors, all of which may function as a way to self-soothe or regain a sense of autonomy.
Prevention and support require a multi-layered approach. Schools must be trained to recognize warning signs and respond with care. Parents should be encouraged to create nonjudgmental spaces at home where mental health isn’t a taboo subject. And young people themselves need to know that their emotions are valid, and that there are healthy ways to cope—through therapy, peer support, creative expression, and movement, to name a few.
Ultimately, we must shift the narrative. Rather than viewing self-harm as attention-seeking, it should be seen as a signal—a deeply painful but honest one—that something is wrong and needs addressing. Young people don’t self-harm because they want to cause trouble. They do it because, for a time, it feels like the only way to hold on.
We owe them better options. We owe them environments where control doesn’t have to come from pain. And most of all, we owe them the safety to be vulnerable without fear. Because the real goal isn’t to stop the behavior overnight—it’s to understand the need behind it, and slowly offer better, kinder ways to meet that need.
